is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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