Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
