Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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