At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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