ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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