From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
