When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
