she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I can't turn off my feet"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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