Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
