I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
