you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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