Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
