Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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