cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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