just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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