we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
