I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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