I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
