I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
