giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
