Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
