Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
