I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
