All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
