I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
