I want to stick my p in your. b.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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