I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
