Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
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