I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
