rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
