hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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