every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
