Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
