i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
