The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
