Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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