Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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