Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
