Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
