Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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