Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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