the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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