Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
