How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
