I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Randomize
