I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
