I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
