im drinking this country out of the recession.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
