I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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