Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Church boner. Awkwardddd
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
